Sunday, January 03, 2010

i have stop writing blog for quite awhile and since recently [ during my free time + when i am kind of emotional] i will write again.
ANd i think no one will be reading my blog already as they think i stop writing blog.
which is good. cause then i wont worry abt who is reading and write for the sake of writing for the ppl reading.
i wanted to write for myself. my feelings.

today is the party at jacky's place. overall its fun, and happiness all around. but still i can help to see the flaunt of it. maybe just because i am a perfectionist. i wanted to see if things can be done better and sometimes i get tensed up.
but many of the time i wanted it better not just for myself but of the benefits of others. thinking of how other might feel and voice it out . sometimes i think maybe i should just be more passive and not so empathic.

i just randomly read pick a friend blog to read .. just like what i did this morning.
i read zhao rong blog this morning and i read julia blog just a moment ago.
i feel that i am easily affect by emotions. ppl emotions. from their words.

from zhao rong blog i feel that i can feel my pain of not being loved enough. me needing more love. i get more emo and feel like crying for that i know i am always alone when i cry and i am smiling on the surface.

from julia however, i learnt that. i must learnt to love myself more.
i care too much abt ppl around me. and i lost myself. do i love myself enough?
i am a free thinker. i do want to find my own spritual attachment.
but maybe its just not the time yet.
i really envy julia for her chlid-likeness. some times that characteristic of her can be really irritating, damn annoying. but i just cant be mad at her for long as i know for that is just JULIA. i know her long enough to have accept it even though she sometimes make me feel she dun appreciate me a a friend much enough ... but sometimes, she can be "FUNNY" enough to make me [ dunno to laugh or to cry]
but whatever it is. i envy her. for she love herself enough, she got her HOME when she feel LOST.
and from her recent post.. of what she have learnt.. obviously i have also learnt the same.

how many time have any of you wake up from a dream crying?
i know that i have experiences it many times.
the other part of me knows how to keep it down.
so i guess i still sober enough to control my emotions.
sometimes i think i really have spilt personalities. for what i know i really am and for what ppl think i am from how i project myself out.
Protection layer we call it.

Only soulmates will know.
so far i guess i dun have any.
but i do know who can see inner me. namely, the sec gang. you know who you are.
i can tell them everything frankly.
My best, wonderful, NO.1 god-bro in taiwan. chung ting. He knows me.
Another 1 who i think i can tell anything to him is Erick Alvamart, currently in US.
and of course, weird but amazingly- Julia is one of them.
dunno why i feel that i can tell her anything and she understand.. or did she not?. LOL

Am i not satisfied to already have them?

What do i really need?.
I know i definately need a SIGN.

-ok. dun say you want give me signboard. ...


oh no. my 2 brains" are talking to each other AGAIN.

i guess i am confused by myself. and i am not sure what i am writing already.

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