1st post after years

again. after so many yrs of not posting, n telling myself i should post some happy things instead of jus recording those unhappy stuff. i am back once again to vent.
i couldnt find anyone to talk to. not even my closer friend.  sometimes i wonder if the closeness is not real. to certain extend it is. but when it comes to what level. its nv mutual.
whenever i feel like maybe i have found ny soulmate or bff . it turns out to be jus my imagination. whenever i take the initative. i feel like i am being ignored. once agajn i am being fly kite.  everytime 都是我一个人掏心掏肺，到头来。。一个人滚一旁自己失望去。好累，真的好累。
这一次，看似一件微不足道的小事。对我却是在一次的 伤到了。我也说不清为何。 自己其实也有点莫名其妙。 但是就是这个感觉。没法掩饰。
要找一个知心人真的好难，好难。不是付出就有回报的。且不说男女之间那种，同性之间想找一闺蜜，真不容易。 说说的有很多。真正了解的有几个。主动去了解人，但没人想了解你。 那种感觉真的很不好。
我刚刚就再一次感受到了。 不知是第几回了。好失望。好累。好绝望。 我真的再一次被伤到了。I need some time to calm my emotions down.

同时发现想找一个人说说都没有。 你看我可不可怜。no choice. therefore. i am back here.

telling myself it is jus a small issue,没什么大不了. 重新再一次展现笑脸迎人。thats what i do best isnt it?

today again, i am hurt by a simple comment.
from someone who thought he knows me.
ppl always think they know me.
they thought what they see of me is the whole part of me.
but how many really do want to know the real me?
how many understands me?
this applys to all friends.
i have no soulmates to talk to.
the only thing i thought i am best at, which is dance.
i realise i am losing it.
my knees and joints are all breaking up.
my brain cant remember as well.
i am getting older.
my complextion is getting worse.
i am getting fatter.

i know i am strong on the outside. but i am very fragile on the inside.
ppl hurt me without knowing it. cause they thought i am strong.
i know i am a very straight forward person. but i nv make a comment on the person personality to the person direct,
as if i know that person inside out.
at the most i will just discuss / talk to a 3rd party abt how i feel abt that person.
but i wont go to the person and say, i think u too self-centred.
i think u too selfish to behave like this etc.

so thats why i also cannot take it if someone just tell 3rd party INFORNT of me that;
i think she(which is me) not good at talking, why not u do it"
cause thats totally not true.

ppl who really really knows me,
know i am a scssior mouth but soft-hearted person.
i can say it like as if its nothing but i dun bear to do it.
i am good to all my friends,
i nv reject their request for help.
though i might nagged(stress)

i need to reflect on the outterself that i am showing ppl and how ppl think of me.
in fact , i only feel that my sec friends knows me better.
they know me, i am very happy when i am with them.
but i am still hoping for a soulmate.
someone who i want to listen to and wants to listen to me.

i am telling myself not be affected by a small comment.
but i am.
cause i am very shocked every now and then when i heard what ppl think of me and i know thats not true.
i dun understand why is ppl with a bad character but nice outlook can have someone willing to tahan them and think they are great.
while cause i dun look as good. then my character will be double times bad?
though i fact i know i am a generally kind person.

looks really means alot.
it gives you extra credits to clear the other parts of ur unperfection.

i seriously dun understand why is the world create to be like this.
god ,can u tell me?
can u answer me why my life is being plan and plot this way(by you)?

can u give me a preview is there is still hope?

why do i feel so ..... lost? restless? aimless? confused? doubtful? emptiness?
i dun even know what word can describe that feeling.
i can be busy and fill with lots of things in mind.
but there will be " this moment" every time that i will stop and ask...
what am i misssing?.
what kind of feeling is this?.
then i will turn to god.
i will ask if he's really there.
does he notice my existence?

then i will recall the "msg from god" from fb.
"god wants u to know that he have been listening and answering u.. its time u stop asking and quiet down to listen to him."

and then i will tell myself to listen hard...
whats the msg for me?..
can i find it?. can i understand it?

i am always so confused.. wondering...
i dunno whats wrong and i dunno how to fix it..

i think i am just like the tv series.- LOST..
the seasons continues but still lost.


i realise i only thin of blogging when i am feeling down..
when i am happy, i am too busy enjoying that moment that i am too lazy to write it donw.
when i am sad. the only place/ person i can talk to is the other me..
thats why i only blog when i am sad/ lost/ angry...but not happy.

guess thats not a good way to blog..
cause in this case... i will be storing sorrows and not happiness..

i am learning and trying
to understand myself.. what i am doing. what i wanted to achieve at the end.

~

Using my new iPhone

Finally manage to login using iPhone. Not very sure how to use that why have to try . But seems weird without seeing those layout .


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I finally got my Speedland PHOTO BOOK today. =]

i will have to book my sppedland concert dvd soon.
get my iphone.
packing my room.
get fitter- train cardio
buy new clothes.

TW trip awaits
save up some $
....
....
more to update as time goes along


~

i have stop writing blog for quite awhile and since recently [ during my free time + when i am kind of emotional] i will write again.
ANd i think no one will be reading my blog already as they think i stop writing blog.
which is good. cause then i wont worry abt who is reading and write for the sake of writing for the ppl reading.
i wanted to write for myself. my feelings.

today is the party at jacky's place. overall its fun, and happiness all around. but still i can help to see the flaunt of it. maybe just because i am a perfectionist. i wanted to see if things can be done better and sometimes i get tensed up.
but many of the time i wanted it better not just for myself but of the benefits of others. thinking of how other might feel and voice it out . sometimes i think maybe i should just be more passive and not so empathic.

i just randomly read pick a friend blog to read .. just like what i did this morning.
i read zhao rong blog this morning and i read julia blog just a moment ago.
i feel that i am easily affect by emotions. ppl emotions. from their words.

from zhao rong blog i feel that i can feel my pain of not being loved enough. me needing more love. i get more emo and feel like crying for that i know i am always alone when i cry and i am smiling on the surface.

from julia however, i learnt that. i must learnt to love myself more.
i care too much abt ppl around me. and i lost myself. do i love myself enough?
i am a free thinker. i do want to find my own spritual attachment.
but maybe its just not the time yet.
i really envy julia for her chlid-likeness. some times that characteristic of her can be really irritating, damn annoying. but i just cant be mad at her for long as i know for that is just JULIA. i know her long enough to have accept it even though she sometimes make me feel she dun appreciate me a a friend much enough ... but sometimes, she can be "FUNNY" enough to make me [ dunno to laugh or to cry]
but whatever it is. i envy her. for she love herself enough, she got her HOME when she feel LOST.
and from her recent post.. of what she have learnt.. obviously i have also learnt the same.

how many time have any of you wake up from a dream crying?
i know that i have experiences it many times.
the other part of me knows how to keep it down.
so i guess i still sober enough to control my emotions.
sometimes i think i really have spilt personalities. for what i know i really am and for what ppl think i am from how i project myself out.
Protection layer we call it.

Only soulmates will know.
so far i guess i dun have any.
but i do know who can see inner me. namely, the sec gang. you know who you are.
i can tell them everything frankly.
My best, wonderful, NO.1 god-bro in taiwan. chung ting. He knows me.
Another 1 who i think i can tell anything to him is Erick Alvamart, currently in US.
and of course, weird but amazingly- Julia is one of them.
dunno why i feel that i can tell her anything and she understand.. or did she not?. LOL

Am i not satisfied to already have them?

What do i really need?.
I know i definately need a SIGN.

-ok. dun say you want give me signboard. ...

oh no. my 2 brains" are talking to each other AGAIN.

i guess i am confused by myself. and i am not sure what i am writing already.

~
~

I had a dream.
my heart is pain, i cried.
sad for a reason that only i can see.
there is 2 of me while you only see 1.
wondering if the end to my dream is a happy ending?
i have wake up back into the reality.
confused by the feelings that my heart can still feel.
but i know for one thing that its no longer the same as before.
its getting weaker as the years pass.
for i think it might be of that cause.
i wonder if there is really a Pandora?
as i will really want to go.

~