Saturday, June 12, 2010

why do i feel so ..... lost? restless? aimless? confused? doubtful? emptiness?
i dun even know what word can describe that feeling.
i can be busy and fill with lots of things in mind.
but there will be " this moment" every time that i will stop and ask...
what am i misssing?.
what kind of feeling is this?.
then i will turn to god.
i will ask if he's really there.
does he notice my existence?

then i will recall the "msg from god" from fb.
"god wants u to know that he have been listening and answering u.. its time u stop asking and quiet down to listen to him."

and then i will tell myself to listen hard...
whats the msg for me?..
can i find it?. can i understand it?

i am always so confused.. wondering...
i dunno whats wrong and i dunno how to fix it..

i think i am just like the tv series.- LOST..
the seasons continues but still lost.


i realise i only thin of blogging when i am feeling down..
when i am happy, i am too busy enjoying that moment that i am too lazy to write it donw.
when i am sad. the only place/ person i can talk to is the other me..
thats why i only blog when i am sad/ lost/ angry...but not happy.

guess thats not a good way to blog..
cause in this case... i will be storing sorrows and not happiness..

i am learning and trying
to understand myself.. what i am doing. what i wanted to achieve at the end.

~

Friday, February 05, 2010

Using my new iPhone

Finally manage to login using iPhone. Not very sure how to use that why have to try . But seems weird without seeing those layout .


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, January 04, 2010

I finally got my Speedland PHOTO BOOK today. =]

i will have to book my sppedland concert dvd soon.
get my iphone.
packing my room.
get fitter- train cardio
buy new clothes.

TW trip awaits
save up some $
....
....
more to update as time goes along


~

Sunday, January 03, 2010

i have stop writing blog for quite awhile and since recently [ during my free time + when i am kind of emotional] i will write again.
ANd i think no one will be reading my blog already as they think i stop writing blog.
which is good. cause then i wont worry abt who is reading and write for the sake of writing for the ppl reading.
i wanted to write for myself. my feelings.

today is the party at jacky's place. overall its fun, and happiness all around. but still i can help to see the flaunt of it. maybe just because i am a perfectionist. i wanted to see if things can be done better and sometimes i get tensed up.
but many of the time i wanted it better not just for myself but of the benefits of others. thinking of how other might feel and voice it out . sometimes i think maybe i should just be more passive and not so empathic.

i just randomly read pick a friend blog to read .. just like what i did this morning.
i read zhao rong blog this morning and i read julia blog just a moment ago.
i feel that i am easily affect by emotions. ppl emotions. from their words.

from zhao rong blog i feel that i can feel my pain of not being loved enough. me needing more love. i get more emo and feel like crying for that i know i am always alone when i cry and i am smiling on the surface.

from julia however, i learnt that. i must learnt to love myself more.
i care too much abt ppl around me. and i lost myself. do i love myself enough?
i am a free thinker. i do want to find my own spritual attachment.
but maybe its just not the time yet.
i really envy julia for her chlid-likeness. some times that characteristic of her can be really irritating, damn annoying. but i just cant be mad at her for long as i know for that is just JULIA. i know her long enough to have accept it even though she sometimes make me feel she dun appreciate me a a friend much enough ... but sometimes, she can be "FUNNY" enough to make me [ dunno to laugh or to cry]
but whatever it is. i envy her. for she love herself enough, she got her HOME when she feel LOST.
and from her recent post.. of what she have learnt.. obviously i have also learnt the same.

how many time have any of you wake up from a dream crying?
i know that i have experiences it many times.
the other part of me knows how to keep it down.
so i guess i still sober enough to control my emotions.
sometimes i think i really have spilt personalities. for what i know i really am and for what ppl think i am from how i project myself out.
Protection layer we call it.

Only soulmates will know.
so far i guess i dun have any.
but i do know who can see inner me. namely, the sec gang. you know who you are.
i can tell them everything frankly.
My best, wonderful, NO.1 god-bro in taiwan. chung ting. He knows me.
Another 1 who i think i can tell anything to him is Erick Alvamart, currently in US.
and of course, weird but amazingly- Julia is one of them.
dunno why i feel that i can tell her anything and she understand.. or did she not?. LOL

Am i not satisfied to already have them?

What do i really need?.
I know i definately need a SIGN.

-ok. dun say you want give me signboard. ...


oh no. my 2 brains" are talking to each other AGAIN.

i guess i am confused by myself. and i am not sure what i am writing already.

~
~

Saturday, January 02, 2010

I had a dream.
my heart is pain, i cried.
sad for a reason that only i can see.
there is 2 of me while you only see 1.
wondering if the end to my dream is a happy ending?
i have wake up back into the reality.
confused by the feelings that my heart can still feel.
but i know for one thing that its no longer the same as before.
its getting weaker as the years pass.
for i think it might be of that cause.
i wonder if there is really a Pandora?
as i will really want to go.

~